Johnson wins Open

Iowan golfer thanks wife, caddy and Jesus for playoff win

ST. ANDREWS, Scotland — Scotland’s long national nightmare — which for some reason they chose to share with the rest of the world — is finally over. Through the rain, the wind, and the apologetics from R&A, an Open Championship champion has been crowned and his name is Zach Johnson.

Johnson thanked the Open officials, the fans, his caddy, his wife and Jesus — pretty much in that order. Please wake me when the PGA Tourney starts.

See? That’s why I don’t write for The Associated Press. Objective journalism only works for writers who truly don’t give a shit. My passion burns like a fire within me, and usually continues to my shoes, up my jeans, spreading to my shirt until I eventually tumble to earth in a hellish ball of my own creation.

This is why I write a sports blog. It may not pay the bills, but I haven’t gotten fired yet.

“Johnson wins Open” is the perfectly boring headline for the perfectly boring golfer. Yes, he’s a nice midwestern boy. Yes, he’s never fooled around on his wife, I assume. Yes, that’s probably because he lacks imagination as well as opportunity, since he looks like a balding Joaquin Phoenix and talks like a Rotarian giving the treasurer’s report. Besides, Jesus and his caddy would likely always talk him out of it.

Am I bitter? A tad. Think of the headlines I could have written. If the kid from Ireland had won, I could have written “DUNNE AND DONE.” If Jordan Spieth had won I could have written, “I looked over Jordan and what did I see — Ben Hogan.” Okay, that’s more of a lead, but you get the picture.

Zach Johnson won the British Open. Him. And I’ve got nothin’.


PS — I’ve got a great idea for next year’s British Open. Hold it in Florida.

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