Halftime report—Texas 42, Baylor 31

By halftime report, I mean I’m going to write everything I can write during halftime of the Texas-Baylor game.

Joe Bergeron is having a hellofa game and looks like the real deal. Love that guy.

Otherwise, whoever kicks the most field goals loses. And since Baylor has the better field goal kicker…

• • •

I took a long look at the Texas football schedule today. The only automatic win is Kansas. Probably because the coach is Charlie Weis.

When you wash out at Notre Dame, I guess you get to coach at Kansas as a consolation prize. Or commentate for ESPN (that’s for you, Lou).

I think the Longhorns could lose to Iowa State, Texas Tech, Kansas State (for sure) and TCU. Hell, the Longhorns could blow it in the second half against Baylor.

• • •

The biggest upset of the day? In my opinion, Oklahoma State over Iowa state, 31-10. Did not see that coming.

• • •

Best game of the day? Texas Tech in overtime over TCU, 56-10.

• • •

Okay, on to other things. Specifically, Lance Armstrong.

So now the whole world knows about Lance Armstrong’s performance enhancing drug use. I pretty much feel the same way as when I heard Elton John announce that he’s gay. I’m not surprised, and I don’t care.

Like I’ve said before, most Austinites are more concerned about Armstrong’s drinking problem than his drug use.

• • •

I know I don’t have many readers. But when two of them are wine writer John Cesano and political writer James Moore, it makes it worth the time. Cheers.

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Could we get the replacement refs back please?

Just kidding. But if you’re a Green Bay Packers fan, I understand why you might be frustrated. Good thing your team won this time. I mean… last time.

• • •

Okay. I finally got to watch the University of Texas Longhorns. Damn. Who knew quarterback David Ash would come along so well? I didn’t. He’s even throwing the long passes down field.

He’s only 19 years old, you know. I was going to give him one more year before I passed judgment, and I might yet. He should be amazing next year, the year the Burnt Orange of Austin, Texas should be ranked in the top three at the 2013 season’s start.

This year? I don’t know. What happened to the defense? More specifically, what happened to tackling?

Today on local radio, Texas head coach Mac Brown said the tentative tackling was due to the new rules tempering head-to-head contact. Okay. But how about hand-to-thigh contact? If you’re going head-to-head on an open field tackle, you’re messing up from the get go.

We’ll see. The defense seemed like the best part of the Longhorns at the start of the season, and in a way it is. But it’s a specific part of the defense—the pass rush of defensive ends Alex Okafor and Jackson Jeffcoat.

The upcoming game against West Virginia will be very telling. For both teams. Best defense wins.

• • •

I wrote the above after the Longhorns defeated Oklahom State. Here’s what I think after watching the Longhorns lose to West Virginia—I think West Virginia could win it all. Geno Smith is good.

Oddly, I thought the Texas defense did well, even though they gave up 48 points. But they also forced two fumbles, one on the goal line that allowed Jackson Jeffcoat to score a touchdown, and got four sacks.

And David Ash did great again, for the most part.

I know, I know. Next year.

• • •

Hey USGA, do you want to win the Ryder Cup? Here’s an idea. Get Ian Poulter American citizenship. You’ve got about 700 days to get ‘er done. Go for it.

• • •

Isn’t the Ryder Cup great? Golf with real crowd noise. Even cheering. And jeering. Love it.

• • •

I think I figured out the problem with the Dallas Cowboys. It’s the quarterback.

Oh. Right. You read my columns to read stuff you don’t read anywhere else. Sorry. Guess I’m piling on.

• • •

Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III are the real deal. But I think Cam Newton will be to the Carolina Panthers what Vince Young was to the Tennessee Titans. Too much head hanging there.

• • •

“Team suckage is real. It should be a stat.” Rod Babers, Oct. 9, 2012 on 300 The Zone, Austin, Texas.

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My pick for the BCS winner

Here’s my pick for the Bowl Championship Series winner—LSU over Alabama by 14 points.

Frankly, my pick is as good as yours. Yours might even be better. My pick is based on three criteria—whim, caprice, and bias.

LSU already beat Alabama on the Crimson Tide’s home field, but tonight’s game (it’s 90 minutes to kickoff as of this writing) is pretty much being played on LSU’s home turf.

Okay, at least it’s being played in LSU’s home state, right?

So. Why do I say LSU will win by 14 points? No reason, really. That’s where the whim and caprice come in.

Here’s where the bias comes in—I despise Oklahoma State aka billionaire T. Boone Pickens’ main charity. I despise the alumni, the whiny coach, the color scheme, the aging QB, and even the Cowboys name.

See where this is going yet?

If LSU wins, OK State will have no claim whatsoever on the national championship. But if Alabama wins, we’ll be forced to endure the crying and gnashing of teeth from Stillwater until next August.

Go Tigers. And hook ’em Horns.

Bear Bryant raped me in junior high

(Originally published Nov. 23, 2011 in ConstantCommentary)

Actually, it was Jim Bryant, junior college and consensual. But I’m sure the column title earned me the attention I so richly deserve.

So how ’bout them Penn State Pedophiles, huh? Oh, yeah, that’s gonna stick. Thing is, this not only reflects badly on Penn State’s football team, it reflects badly on anyone having anything to do with Penn State for the next ten years at least.

For example. Let’s say I’m at a bar and the guy drinking martinis next to me introduces himself (because god knows I wouldn’t), and tells me he’s unemployed even though he has a master’s degree.

“Really?” I say. “What’s it in and where from?”

He says, “It’s in microbiology from Penn State.”

I’m pretty sure I know what I’d say next. “Oh.” (Pause.) “Ever had sex with a Boy Scout?”

Okay, okay, maybe I’d only just think it, but trust me, my brain would go straight from microbiology to macroboyology.

It gets worse. A friend of mine pointed out that this scandal isn’t just damaging to Penn State, it’s damaging to college football everywhere. She’s right.

I’ve been trying to tell my fellow 49er fans back on the west coast that they should get into watching the college ranks, but I think I’m inclined to skip the topic now.

Too bad. I used to tell them that the college game was slower so you could watch plays develop easier, that every game had playoff implications, and that unlike the pros, the college ranks didn’t take themselves quite so seriously.

Boy, is my face red. Apparently, college football is a lot more serious than I thought it was. It’s to-hell-with-the-boy-in-the-shower-I’ve-got-my-career-to-think-about serious.

To my way of thinking, Jerry Sandusky—the pedophile (allegedly) who moleted boys in the shower—is not the worst culprit. He’s obviously emotionally and psychologically disturbed and has a compulsion addiction to bizarre sexual behavior that can’t be fathomed by most of us. In other words, he’s got a disease.

But Mike McQueary—the assistant coach who discovered Sandusky in the shower with the boy—doesn’t have a disease. He’s just some idiot coach who wanted to save his career. According to grand jury reports, he did nothing to stop the incident and only reported it to his dad and coach Joe Paterno.

According to Wikipedia (the most reliable information source in the known universe), “McQueary later said he made sure the observed assault stopped before leaving, and that he discussed the incident with police. Penn State and State College police say they have no record of it.”

I know what I would have done in McQueary’s shoes. I would have yelled at the top of my lungs, “Hey! Hey! You need to stop that, now!” I know that, because while I never ran into a pedophile scenario before, I did see a man abusing his wife at a laundromat and that’s exactly what I did.

Believe me, I didn’t want to say anything, because after the words came out the 6-foot-2, 300-pound guy started to come after me. Not good, since at the time I was at a starving-artist weight of about 135 pounds. I just said, “Look, pal, I’m a writer and I won’t mess around. I’ll call 911 right now and get the cops here.”

He backed off and even thanked me later as we both folded clothes. True, like McQueary, I never did report the incident to the police, but I understand that. If it’s not a DUI, the police usually don’t do squat. Child abuse, murder, robbery—these things confuse the local constabulary. But DUIs and moving violations, they’re all over that like Young on Rice.

McQueary’s going to have a tough time from now on, and his football career is likely over. With that bright orange hair, he stands out like a flashing neon sign outside a flophouse window. Thing is, he’s not the worst culprit in this scandal.

The worst is Joe Paterno, known affectionately as JoePa.That nickname’s got some creepy connotations now, doesn’t it?

JoPa’s the worst because it’s his football program. As soon as he learned about the incident he should have taken full responsibility. Had he done so, he would have prevented other boys from being abused by Sandusky, and he would have saved Mike McQueary’s football life.

But JoePa didn’t want a nasty scene to besmirch his beloved Nittany Lions and his all-so-important legacy. So he just swept it under the AstroTurf, doing only the bare minimum required by law. He did not do what was required by common decency and basic morality, however.

These cover-ups never seem to work out well (but I guess if they did, how the hell would we know?). Now JoPa’s name is tarnished, and it’s tarnished by one of the most reprehensible, vile and repugnantly shocking scandals in sports history.

As a result, JoPa’s name will no longer be on the trophy awarded to the winner of the Big Ten title game. Instead of being called the Stagg-Paterno trophy, it’ll just be called the Stagg trophy.

But there’s also a statue of Joe Paterno at Penn State and there’s been some talk as to whether that statue should be removed. Here’s my take: keep the statue, just change the inscription. Try this.

“Coach Joe Paterno, aka JoePa, who lacked courage and character when it was needed most.”

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