Tag Archives: Sports

It’s early September and the Longhorns suck

I figured out who Charlie Strong is. He’s Tony Kehl. What, you never heard of him?

Coach Kehl (pronounced kale) was Sonoma State University’s head coach from 1982 to 1986. He never had a winning record, not once, and his overall record at SSU stands at 12-40.

When I was a sports writer for the college paper, the Sonoma State Star, I would ask the sports information director and the athletic director and professors in the booster club and fellow scribes and broadcasters and pretty much anyone who listened why—in the hell—does Coach Kehl still have a job?

Everyone would give me pretty much the same answer. “He runs a clean program.”

Charlie Strong runs a clean program, too. It remains to be seen if it will be a winning program. In fairness, it was a winning program for about a week. And it won’t be a losing program for about another week. But don’t worry kids, it’s a clean program.

It better be. Because the Longhorns have lost a dozen players in the name of law and order, god and country, and the American way.

Let’s take a look at those names. Offensive tackle Desmond Harrison missed the first two games. Mighta coulda used him in the running game against BYU. Kennedy Estelle, another offensive tackle, was also suspended for last night’s game against BYU, along with running back Daje Johnson and safety Josh Turner.

Deoundrei Davis was kicked off the team a couple of days ago, but who cares, he was a backup linebacker.

But running back Joe Bergeron was a starter, and Strong kicked him off the team back in early August, along with Jalen Overstreet, Chevoski Collins, Kendall Sanders, Montrei Meander, Leroy Scott, and Chet Moss.

The Longhorns lost to BYU, 41-7.  Which makes it even worse than last year’s 40-21 loss.

Except this year it was a clean loss. So why don’t I feel better?

• • •

Man, Taysom Hill looked like Tim Tebow on steroids last night. He ran the ball well, scored three touchdowns, and passed from the pocket as cool as the other side of the cliche.

Fox broadcaster Joey Harrington kept saying, “I think Taysom Hill should be in the Heismann trophy discussion.” No kidding. How about you start it, Joey? To his credit, he eventually did.

Despite the loss, I saw some hope on the Longhorns team. Malcom Brown, the defensive tackle, played his ass off. He earned 3 total sacks — two half sacks and two completely on his own. Jordan Hicks and Quandre Diggs, who intercepted a pass in the end zone, also played well on the defensive side.

On offense, QB Tyrone Swoopes did not suck. He only threw two bad passes overall, one of them an interception, but he threw a touchdown pass to John Harris, who also played well. Swoopes hit 20 of 31 passes for 176 yards, and Harris caught 8 passes for 77 yards.

The punter (yeah, I’m reaching) is pretty damn good too, and averaged 42 yards on 8 punts with a long of 52.

That said, next week the Longhorns will have their asses handed to them by UCLA.

• • •

As of this writing, Romo just threw an interception to Willis in the end zone and the 49ers lead 21-3. It’s always amusing to watch the Dallas Cowboys each week and see what new and innovative ways they come up with to lose.

Still a Seahawks fan, though.

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Let’s give a big welcome to the newest Seattle Seahawks fan

Thursday night, a few firsts happened. First, NBC kicked off Thursday Night Football, which is kind of strange because from now on it’ll be broadcast on CBS.

And I started my new life as a Seattle Seahawks fan, which is even stranger sill.

This is not a change I take lightly. All my life I’ve been a San Francisco 49ers fan, and I’ve watched and rooted for the team since the John Brodie days, back when Brodie’s backup QB was the Ol’ Ball Coach, Steve Spurrier. That’s right, I’m old.

I’m a second-generation fan. My dad watched the first NFL 49er home game in 1949 live at old Kezar Stadium, the club’s home before they moved to Candlestick Park — a perfectly fine football field, by the way. Yes, terrible for baseball, but absolutely great for football. Even survived an earthquake.

But I digress. I’m no longer a fan of the red and gold. Well, let me take that back. When San Francisco plays the Dallas Cowboys this Sunday, I’m definitely going to be a fan. When the 49ers play anybody but the Seahawks, I’ll be a fan.

But the ‘9ers are my second team now behind the Seahawks, and for three reasons.

1) The team is comprised of thugs. Aldon Smith may be a great linebacker, but he’s a fucking drug-addicted moron. Two DUIs, a marijuana charge and an alleged bomb threat. Nice job. His behavior has recently been matched by defensive lineman Ray McDonald, who’s facing a felony domestic violence charge.

I’m sure it’s all a big misunderstanding, and yes, that’s sarcasm.

Hell, I’m not even a big fan of Colin Kaepernick, frankly. And it’s not because of the sexual assault accusation he was cleared of last June. It’s his style of play. His style is reminiscent of Michael Vick and RG3, which means Caepernick won’t be a healthy quarterback for very long.

I prefer Russell Wilson, who reminds me of Joe Montana. Like Montana, he plays cool. He stays in the pocket for the most part, but runs when he has to run. And then slides before he gets hit, something Vick, RG3 and Caepernick haven’t seemed to comprehend.

I prefer the Seatlle QB and I prefer the Seattle players in general. I will miss Michael Crabtree, Frank Gore and Vernon Davis, however.

2) The 49ers coach, Jim Harbaugh, has his head completely us his ass. He gets called for a personal foul because he’s running on field complaining about a call? Really? Sit the fuck down, Harbaugh. Stay off the field and lead by example.

And he’s hyper, and he sucks at interviews, and his biggest accomplishment thus far is making his brother John look great. Nothing like losing a Super Bowl to your brother to help said brother’s image, huh?

Whereas Seahawks coach Pete Carroll is laid back, funny, great at interviews, won every Super Bowl he’s ever been in, and has the calm demeanor and looks of beloved 49ers coach Bill Walsh. He even earned success at the college level, just like Walsh did before coming to a Super Bowl winning team.

Yeah, I know, he coached at the NFL level before his stint with USC and pretty much sucked at New England and the Jets, but he regrouped, got his chops down at USC, and came back to the NFL a winner.

I’ll take Carroll over Harbaugh any day.

3) The final reason might be the most important. The SF 49ers aren’t even playing in San Francisco anymore. They’re in Santa Clara — about 45 miles south of the city by the bay. Ironically, I never lived in San Francisco but did spend the first ten years of my life in Santa Clara, but believe me when I tell you—it doesn’t make me feel better.

Furthermore, my last California home was in Sonoma County, so if I still lived there (and if I did live in California, I would) I would have to travel 100 miles to see a game live. And I wouldn’t do that even if I had a press pass, which is pretty much the only way I’ve ever seen the 49ers live.

Things are different in Seattle. The Seahawks play in Centurylink Field, just south of downtown. You can even walk the 1.5 miles from the Pike Place Fish Market if you like.

That said, I’ll likely watch both teams on TV. And I’ll root for both, too. But in the NFC Championship, I’m takin’ the birds.

• • •

I’m still a San Francisco Giants fan. I love me the Panda, the Pence and the Posey. Yep, still behind The Killer Ps.

And their ballpark is gorgeous and in a great park of the city overlooking the bay. Easily accessible by ferry on the Marin County side, too.

And who doesn’t love Bruce Bochy, who managed the Giants to two World Series Championships? Man, I wish he had managed Willie’s teams.

Yep. I’ll be a Giants fan ’til the day I die.

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Fisher’s disappointed, I’m impressed

There are two kinds of football coaches I despise. Fat fucks like Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis, and whiney bitches like Mike Gundy and Jeff Fisher.

Seems Fisher is pissed and upset because of a report filed by ESPN reporter Josina Anderson about Michael Sam’s showering habits. Apparently, Sam’s doing the same thing Jackie Robinson did — waiting until his teammates have finished showering before he takes his.

According to a very good article by NBC Sports writer Darin Gantt (in my opinion), Fisher said, “I’m extremely disappointed in her piece. I think it’s unethical. I think it’s very, very unprofessional. Not only the piece itself, the content. The manner in which she did it.”

Ah, man, that’s a shame Jeff. Because I have no doubt she wasn’t reporting to get to the truth, she was reporting for your approval. Because what you think means so much, not only to her, but to all of us writers.

Get a clue, Jeff. She was doing her job as a professional, which Gantt, to his credit, pointed out in his article as well.

Look. I doubt you’re really disappointed anyway. I suspect (again, in my opinion) you’re secretly elated. Now you have a great excuse to cut him. Sam’s become a distraction.

And I’m sure you will, you gutless swine. You’ll cut him, even though he earned his way on the team. He was a 7th-round draft pick and scored two sacks in the preseason. That’s called success, but you’ll cut him anyway, won’t you Jeff. I’ll apologize if I turn out to be wrong, but I doubt it. We’ll see by Sunday.

Do I seem angry? I am. Partly because of Fisher’s reaction to ESPN, but largely because of his past swinishness.

I’m still pissed at the whisper campaign Fisher started against Vince Young. Vince should at least be a backup quarterback in the NFL, but he’ll never get the chance thanks to Fisher’s backbiting.

And that’s something truly disappointing, unethical and unprofessional.

* * *

Did I miss a memo? Did Yahoo pay Brigham Young University for its logo? Because every time I see that huge blue Y on BYU’s helmet, I think Yahoo.com

Am I alone on this?

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April madness, no foolin’

I pick Louisville to win it all.

It’s 9 a.m. Central time, so I think I got that prediction in on time. Otherwise, I just don’t make brackets for the NCAA Championship, because I don’t track losers.

Unless you’re one of those who think that everyone who participates in the tournament is a winner. If so, enjoy that Little League trophy you won for showing up.

Sure, I get it. Just being able to play means you’re a winner. Just being healthy enough to show up means you’re a winner.

Unless you’re an actual participant, of course. Like I was in wrestling tournaments in high school. You either win it all, or you lose. And if you’re a competitive athlete, that’s the way you look at it.

If you don’t look at it that way, then you’re not a competitive athlete at all. You’re a loser.

Most of us wind up losing, regardless. The SID at Sonoma State U. told me once, “The better you are as an athlete or a team, the more likely it is that you’ll finish the season with a loss.”

He’s right. Sixty-eight teams competed in the NCAA Basketball Championships, and only one will finish the year with a win.

I bet it’s Louisville.

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Wie becomes Woods (and Sandusky becomes the death of Penn State)

Many stories happened since I last posted, but two stand out. Miami wins and Penn State loses.

First things first. The Miami Heat won. I did not see this coming, because I thought that the 2011 LeBron James I saw versus the Dallas Mavericks last year was the 2012 LeBron James I would see this year.

I was wrong.

LeBron stepped up. Amazingly. Jaw-droppingly. And he was unquestionably the MVP of the series. He turned last year’s Wie into last decade’s Woods.

So I was wrong. And Johnny the C was right. I’ll admit it.

I only have one comment on the NBA finals that I haven’t read elsewhere.

If LeBron James employed a sports psychologist last year, now would be the time for said psychologist to write a book. Now.

• • •

Jerry Sandusky got convicted on 45 counts out of 48 total. Anybody surprised? I think not. But the big loser? Penn State.

Whose coaches allowed this to go on. Whose administration allowed this to go on. Whose professors allowed this to go on. Whose towel boys allowed this to go on. Whose fans allowed this to go on. Whose hot dog vendors allowed this to go on.

It ain’t all McQuery, you know. Some of the above had to know. And only McQuery–only him–testified in court. So I forgive him. The rest of Penn State? Not so much.

What high school football player, with a brain in his head, is going to commit to the Penn State Pedophiles in the next ten years?

Well, we’ll find out. Because I plan to list every last one of those morons here.
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Brains over Braun

Let’s review. First the BALCO scandal hit and people said, “Look at that Barry Bonds. He used steroids. He’s a bad, bad man.”

Thing is, MLB has never uncovered a positive drug test on the home run king. The only thing out there is an unsubstantiated rumor by the Feds claiming they found a positive test on Bonds among the paraphernalia at the BALCO Labs.

Here’s what BALCO founder Victor Conte told ESPN about those tests:

“There is a serious issue regarding a lack of chain of custody,” Conte said. “No test result has anybody’s name or initials. All steroid test results performed at BALCO were a number only. Now there were different ledgers with initials and different things that are certainly subject to challenge, but there is no type of steroid panel test result with the name Barry Bonds on it.”

Hmm. Interesting choice of words there, “a serious issue regarding a lack of chain of custody.”

Aren’t those the same words that Milwaukee Brewers’ Ryan Braun—the National League’s MVP winner—used to win his appeal of his 50-game suspension for testing positive for high testosterone in the bloodstream?

As a matter of fact, it is.

Do I think Bonds used performance-enhancement drugs? Yes, I do.

Do I think Braun used performance-enhancement drugs as well? You bet your Cialis I do.

It’s so ridiculous. People said Bonds was evil for using steroids. Thank god Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire never did.

Then Sosa and McGwire got busted and fans said, “Well, at least Rafael Palmeiro never did the juice.”

Really? A guy who did Viagra commercials? You couldn’t see that coming?

After Palmeiro got busted, we soon learned that Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez used the juice.

And now it’s Braun, just when we thought the era was over. But wait, he was exonerated, right?

You idiots.

Yes, Braun did the drugs. What about Albert Pujols? Yes, yes, yes, you gullible hicks.

The only great player from the steroid era I think might have passed on the juice was pitcher Greg Maddux. Because steroids might have hindered his pinpoint placement of the ball rather than helped it.

Even then, Maddux might have tried it once just to make sure.

The steroids issue is silly. I believe it should be a legal choice for anyone past the age of 21. Very few baseball fans agree with me

Mike Schmidt was once asked if he would have used the juice if he had played in the steroids era, and his honest (and paraphrased) reply was, “Yes, absolutely. I would have done anything to hit better.”

I love that guy. And I miss the juice.

• • •

Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on the men’s and women’s NCAA Championships in basketball, I have to take back all the malicious things I said about women’s basketball.

Stanford and Baylor put on a much better final game than the men.

And if we’re calling Anthony Davis The Unibrow, then I’ve got a nickname for Baylor’s Brittney Griner—Tiger Woods.

Because like Tiger, the game is fascinating when she’s playing and pretty damn boring when she’s not.

• • •

The new NFL schedule is out and I’ve got one comment. If the 49ers beat the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field in the opening game, they will definitely make a statement and put the league on notice.

But if the Packers win? Not so much.

• • •

And a quick note about the upcoming NFL Draft taking place April 26-28.

It is highly unlikely that both Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III will turn into franchise quarterbacks. But it’s also highly unlikely that either one will have the meltdown Ryan Leaf did.

How lucky if I’m wrong about this… and I mean, either way it goes.

One more note: The 49ers should trade Crabtree for Blackmon. What? I already mentioned this? Well, maybe this time someone will pay attention.
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Is golf (Tiger Woods) back?

Sports writers across the country have been asking—is Tiger back?

But the bigger question is this—is golf back? Because I can’t stand golf without a competitive Tiger.

Don’t get me wrong. I watched the PGA tournament in Humble, Texas today. What’s it called? The Big Oil Open?

My bad. Guess it’s called the Shell Houston Open.  I was close.

I watched it because Tiger re-ignited my interest by winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational a week ago and coming in tied for third in Abu Dhabi a few weeks back.

Will Ernie Els make it into the Master’s Tournament by winning the Shell? I don’t know, but a broadcaster brought up the scenario during the Arnold Palmer Invitational, so now I’m interested. In fact, I’m hooked.

Tiger has a cascade effect that way. Because in this day and age, Tiger Woods is golf.

And when he’s not around, it’s like tennis with John McEnroe retired. Just another boring game with a ball.

You know. Like baseball without Bonds and steroids.

• • •

Back to the Final Four…

I’m watching it as I write. It’s Kentucky 20, Louisville 10. But I pick Louisville and Ohio State in the championship.

This insight based on a PTI marathon last night, five Wilbons and Kornheisers in a row.

Still time to fly to Vegas.

• • •

Okay. So it’s Kentucky in the finals. Let’s see about The Ohio State and Kansas game now.

• • •

Okay. So it’s Kentucky and Kansas in the finals. Might as well go for the trifecta. Let me pick the winner.

Kansas.

You are so doomed, Kansas.
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