Monthly Archives: April 2012

Brains over Braun

Let’s review. First the BALCO scandal hit and people said, “Look at that Barry Bonds. He used steroids. He’s a bad, bad man.”

Thing is, MLB has never uncovered a positive drug test on the home run king. The only thing out there is an unsubstantiated rumor by the Feds claiming they found a positive test on Bonds among the paraphernalia at the BALCO Labs.

Here’s what BALCO founder Victor Conte told ESPN about those tests:

“There is a serious issue regarding a lack of chain of custody,” Conte said. “No test result has anybody’s name or initials. All steroid test results performed at BALCO were a number only. Now there were different ledgers with initials and different things that are certainly subject to challenge, but there is no type of steroid panel test result with the name Barry Bonds on it.”

Hmm. Interesting choice of words there, “a serious issue regarding a lack of chain of custody.”

Aren’t those the same words that Milwaukee Brewers’ Ryan Braun—the National League’s MVP winner—used to win his appeal of his 50-game suspension for testing positive for high testosterone in the bloodstream?

As a matter of fact, it is.

Do I think Bonds used performance-enhancement drugs? Yes, I do.

Do I think Braun used performance-enhancement drugs as well? You bet your Cialis I do.

It’s so ridiculous. People said Bonds was evil for using steroids. Thank god Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire never did.

Then Sosa and McGwire got busted and fans said, “Well, at least Rafael Palmeiro never did the juice.”

Really? A guy who did Viagra commercials? You couldn’t see that coming?

After Palmeiro got busted, we soon learned that Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez used the juice.

And now it’s Braun, just when we thought the era was over. But wait, he was exonerated, right?

You idiots.

Yes, Braun did the drugs. What about Albert Pujols? Yes, yes, yes, you gullible hicks.

The only great player from the steroid era I think might have passed on the juice was pitcher Greg Maddux. Because steroids might have hindered his pinpoint placement of the ball rather than helped it.

Even then, Maddux might have tried it once just to make sure.

The steroids issue is silly. I believe it should be a legal choice for anyone past the age of 21. Very few baseball fans agree with me

Mike Schmidt was once asked if he would have used the juice if he had played in the steroids era, and his honest (and paraphrased) reply was, “Yes, absolutely. I would have done anything to hit better.”

I love that guy. And I miss the juice.

• • •

Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on the men’s and women’s NCAA Championships in basketball, I have to take back all the malicious things I said about women’s basketball.

Stanford and Baylor put on a much better final game than the men.

And if we’re calling Anthony Davis The Unibrow, then I’ve got a nickname for Baylor’s Brittney Griner—Tiger Woods.

Because like Tiger, the game is fascinating when she’s playing and pretty damn boring when she’s not.

• • •

The new NFL schedule is out and I’ve got one comment. If the 49ers beat the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field in the opening game, they will definitely make a statement and put the league on notice.

But if the Packers win? Not so much.

• • •

And a quick note about the upcoming NFL Draft taking place April 26-28.

It is highly unlikely that both Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III will turn into franchise quarterbacks. But it’s also highly unlikely that either one will have the meltdown Ryan Leaf did.

How lucky if I’m wrong about this… and I mean, either way it goes.

One more note: The 49ers should trade Crabtree for Blackmon. What? I already mentioned this? Well, maybe this time someone will pay attention.

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