Monthly Archives: July 2015

Johnson wins Open

Iowan golfer thanks wife, caddy and Jesus for playoff win

ST. ANDREWS, Scotland — Scotland’s long national nightmare — which for some reason they chose to share with the rest of the world — is finally over. Through the rain, the wind, and the apologetics from R&A, an Open Championship champion has been crowned and his name is Zach Johnson.

Johnson thanked the Open officials, the fans, his caddy, his wife and Jesus — pretty much in that order. Please wake me when the PGA Tourney starts.

See? That’s why I don’t write for The Associated Press. Objective journalism only works for writers who truly don’t give a shit. My passion burns like a fire within me, and usually continues to my shoes, up my jeans, spreading to my shirt until I eventually tumble to earth in a hellish ball of my own creation.

This is why I write a sports blog. It may not pay the bills, but I haven’t gotten fired yet.

“Johnson wins Open” is the perfectly boring headline for the perfectly boring golfer. Yes, he’s a nice midwestern boy. Yes, he’s never fooled around on his wife, I assume. Yes, that’s probably because he lacks imagination as well as opportunity, since he looks like a balding Joaquin Phoenix and talks like a Rotarian giving the treasurer’s report. Besides, Jesus and his caddy would likely always talk him out of it.

Am I bitter? A tad. Think of the headlines I could have written. If the kid from Ireland had won, I could have written “DUNNE AND DONE.” If Jordan Spieth had won I could have written, “I looked over Jordan and what did I see — Ben Hogan.” Okay, that’s more of a lead, but you get the picture.

Zach Johnson won the British Open. Him. And I’ve got nothin’.

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PS — I’ve got a great idea for next year’s British Open. Hold it in Florida.

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Now that I’m finally over the Super Bowl, how about that Maneuver in Vancouver

Yes, I’m finally over the Super Bowl and how about that, it took less than six months.

The Women’s World Cup win by our U.S. girls didn’t hurt with my recovery. Nor did hometown boy (if you live in Austin or Dallas and can claim him) Jordan Spieth’s win in two major golf tournaments this year.

But let no one doubt I’m a Seahawks fan now. Anybody who went through Feb. 1 and still remains a fan is a true fan. Or a complete idiot. Or both.

Speaking of golf and soccer, Rory McIlroy.

Yes, he’s become a punchline.

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